The Kind of Rope I Aspire To
May 12, 2008
a new direction
May 8, 2008
as we find our way through this lifestyle, i’m learning different thing about myself that i didn’t already know. after more than 30 years of living this life, i’ve still so much to learn.
it has been a very difficult few days for my Master and i. for me especially, things taking the focus off of my Master and my duties to my family and household. it has caused a serious amount of strain in our M/s relationship. we had a rather intense but insightful conversation where each of us at points were not hearing each other. this is one of those things in my life that i thankfully have learned but still struggle with. the idea of being heard.. i’m not sure how this fits in to the M/s relationship but it’s important to every single relationship i have or will have. if i don’t feel heard i often get defensive or passive/aggresive and it ends up being a lose/lose situation for everyone. i know my Master felt as though i was not hearing him today. he said as much. and that is complete and total disrespect for our lifestyle and for our relationship in general. and after the intensity and the frustration of the conversation had calmed a but, i suggested that we work on reflective listening. it’s a technique that both my Master and i have learned throughout different parts of our lives. when it works it guarantees that each side is getting heard. and it’s some of the hardest work to do in a relationship. so we are going to work on that and see the direction it leads us.
in response to my Master’s previous posts, our check-in times are of extreme importance to our relationship. if we do not check in often, we become off path and then fires begin. i am hoping to begin our new direction by my Master and i engaging in checking in every night. on nights like tonight when my Master will be out, it’s hard to say when it will happen. but i’m realising that it’s vital to our lifestyle, now more than ever.
in reading past posts, i have noticed a common thread.. my Master becomes more and more involved, and my last posts have seemed more and more checked out. again, as i spoke to earlier, this points to my checking out. i can certainly feel in my body that i have taken my Master for granted and let my choice to be His slave go. it’s important to me to feel this so that i know when it happens. i’m working very hard on mindfulness and noticing what is going on with my body because it often tells the story better than my heart or my head ever can. as i’ve learned in the practise of zen buddhism the feelings start in the body and it’s important to notice whey they arise from. i’m noticing my body has been in so much pain lately. i am seeing a specialist for my back problems, i seeing different therapists for different reasons. i’m sure so much will come up for me that i have not otherwise wanted to see or deal with. i can feel the strength in my Master that i will make it out of this path that lies ahead for both myself and my Master. i’m grateful for the opportunity to serve my Master.
Paddling You
May 8, 2008
Here’s a great quote I found on a BDSM instructional web page:
“You don’t need to break a rule for me to punish you. I’ll do it just because I want to do it. If you want a paddling, don’t fuck up, just ask me for it and you’ll get it.”
This means a lot to me in a Master/slave relationship. There is no need for play-acting or manipulation. Whenever you want a paddling, just ask for it and you’ll get it. Whenever I want to paddle you, I will, whether you ask for it or not.
Going Farther; Going Deeper
May 8, 2008
Something came up between my slave and I last weekend that came up in my mind again today. My slave was cleaning the house and afterward let me know she felt like a maid. I take that to mean she would rather feel like a slave than a maid and she felt disconnected from me, like I didn’t value the work she was doing.
We proposed a change in rituals where I would make sure to let her know that I was pleased by what she was doing. We tried it out over the weekend and it helped my slave feel better.
I’m wondering if that’s the best way to take care of it, though. I had a thought today that taking care of it in the way we did changes the balance of power between us a bit too much for my liking. I also noticed that the way we have her clean is that she is just expected to do it. I think what’s missing is the actual direction from me. Without that, the activity is not placed within our Master/slave context. I think if I make sure to direct her to do her cleaning activities on the weekend, it would be much more pleasing for both of us. She then knows that I value her work very much and she sees that it enhances our Master/slave roles.
I’ve also been contemplating orgasm restrictions for my slave. It could be a very good expression of our roles for us to engage in sexual activities where she is not allowed to have an orgasm at all. It would further cement our roles together and she would know that I am her Master and that I care about her as a slave.
Check-in Time: Where is It?
May 8, 2008
My slave and I haven’t had our check-in time formally for a few days now. Maybe even a week!
We’ve spent important time sharing about our days, but we haven’t had the long, dedicated talk where we can talk about anything and everything for a good, long time. I miss it.
We had a very special ritual last night. My slave knelt next to the bed and I sat in front of her and we breathed together. She even said on a few exhales, “you are the Master, I am the slave.” It was very special. Then, I laid down on the bed and she laid on top of me and we just held that position for what seemed to be about 20 minutes or more! It was wonderful. I know my slave was having a hard time that day and in days previous and this ritual really helped her regain connection with our relationship.
What’s the Meaning of it All?
May 7, 2008
Why do I want to be a Master?
The first part of the answer sets the stage. My slave and I share a deep and abiding love. We have been together since the mid-90’s and married since the early ’00s. We have beautiful, happy children together. We live together and we parent together. We are deeply in love.
The Master/slave roles we have taken on are the primary roles we play with each other. We enjoy these roles and I find they enhance our communication, bring us closer together, make us more intimate with each other, and create a strong attraction between us for the life we have together.
Some day, the roles could change. No matter how the roles change, the love stays the same.
I have no intention of changing these roles. (That’s for my slave, who probably is asking herself as she is reading this.) It’s just that it’s important to step back and take a look at the big picture. Just because the roles can change doesn’t mean they will or they will not. They are a choice. And today I choose these roles. The benefits that these roles bring to our lives are clear and I choose them.
Plus, I just can’t wait until the next chance I have to beat the hell out of her! (Beatings only according to her previously agreed-upon wishes, of course! We aim to please!)
Muse
May 6, 2008
My slave is my muse. For her, I want to be a better Master.
Roller Coasters
May 2, 2008
It’s been a roller coaster couple of days in a roller coaster life!
I’ve been getting increasingly comfortable in my role as Master and integrating it into our life together. I’m not perfect every time, but neither is that not my goal. Specifically, I’m getting increasingly comfortable with disciplining my slave when she doesn’t act according to her slave role. If this our lifestyle, then it is enforced. No more fear, no more inadequacy, just life.
a quiet day
May 1, 2008
we haven’t been in our roles much today. what started out as a normal morning quickly escalated into a heated exchange regarding finances which is an often stick place for us. shortly after that my feelings were hurt and there seemed to be a suggestion that perhaps this lifestyle isn’t a good choice for us right now. at least that’s what i remember. i also remember reading amongst the many things about M/s relationships, the Master is the one who gives permission on what money can and can’t be spent. i have no problem with that. my issue was one of guilt and shame. it’s a constant feeling that arises around money. i’m not sure how it is going to play out in this beginning time of our path. i don’t mind asking for permission to spend money, if that is what i’m asked to do as a proper slave. in fact i take comfort and joy knowing that my Master is doing what is good and right for our relationship and our family.
but i’ve noticed that since this morning, i have stopped calling him Master, and he stopped calling me slave. it is something to be aware of. i don’t want to fall out of our roles because thigns are uncomfortable. in fact i want to push the boundries harder when we are in conflict. i think it will mold me and push me to serve my Master better and learn more about myself in the long run.
and isn’t this what life is all about?
