a new direction

as we find our way through this lifestyle, i’m learning different thing about myself that i didn’t already know. after more than 30 years of living this life, i’ve still so much to learn.

it has been a very difficult few days for my Master and i. for me especially, things taking the focus off of my Master and my duties to my family and household. it has caused a serious amount of strain in our M/s relationship. we had a rather intense but insightful conversation where each of us at points were not hearing each other. this is one of those things in my life that i thankfully have learned but still struggle with. the idea of being heard.. i’m not sure how this fits in to the M/s relationship but it’s important to every single relationship i have or will have. if i don’t feel heard i often get defensive or passive/aggresive and it ends up being a lose/lose situation for everyone. i know my Master felt as though i was not hearing him today. he said as much. and that is complete and total disrespect for our lifestyle and for our relationship in general. and after the intensity and the frustration of the conversation had calmed a but, i suggested that we work on reflective listening. it’s a technique that both my Master and i have learned throughout different parts of our lives. when it works it guarantees that each side is getting heard. and it’s some of the hardest work to do in a relationship. so we are going to work on that and see the direction it leads us.

in response to my Master’s previous posts, our check-in times are of extreme importance to our relationship. if we do not check in often, we become off path and then fires begin. i am hoping to begin our new direction by my Master and i engaging in checking in every night. on nights like tonight when my Master will be out, it’s hard to say when it will happen. but i’m realising that it’s vital to our lifestyle, now more than ever.

in reading past posts, i have noticed a common thread.. my Master becomes more and more involved, and my last posts have seemed more and more checked out. again, as i spoke to earlier, this points to my checking out. i can certainly feel in my body that i have taken my Master for granted and let my choice to be His slave go. it’s important to me to feel this so that i know when it happens. i’m working very hard on mindfulness and noticing what is going on with my body because it often tells the story better than my heart or my head ever can. as i’ve learned in the practise of zen buddhism the feelings start in the body and it’s important to notice whey they arise from. i’m noticing my body has been in so much pain lately. i am seeing a specialist for my back problems, i seeing different therapists for different reasons. i’m sure so much will come up for me that i have not otherwise wanted to see or deal with. i can feel the strength in my Master that i will make it out of this path that lies ahead for both myself and my Master. i’m grateful for the opportunity to serve my Master.